Well once again I’m in deep thought mode so be ready for a long ass analysis of my life.
On my drive home from dance I realized a lot about how I’ve changed so much since this time last year, and in my life in general. For the first time ever I’m starting to build a true sense of self worth and confidence. I must be good at portraying what I want others to see because people never believe me when I explain how little I think of myself. Up until this year I could not look at myself (in the mirror or pictures) for that long. I know everyone goes through bullying but the people in my life must’ve sensed my low self esteem because I’ve been through hell. I can’t name a part of my body that hasn’t been criticized by someone, friends to even family. Aside from that my actions and behaviors have also been criticized. But being around the people that I hang out with on a daily this year has started to slowly unravel a sense of confidence in myself. I’m slowly beginning to accept myself which really makes me happy. After 19 years of hating yourself; to truly start to like something about you feels great! :) I don’t criticize my decisions as much and I even post pictures of myself. I think that because I am so extremely different and unique from the norm, I am faced with the challenge of accepting myself, when it goes against the status quo of society. I truthfully despise the idea of society and social norms. I always thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t act like every guy in my schools. For one, I am extremely emotional. Not like constantly crying but I am just very in touch with the entire spectrum of emotions. I used to try and hide all aspects of my emotional side because I felt it was not manly to show this side of myself. Well what does it mean to be a man. It shouldn’t have shit to do with my emotional state. This year I’ve realized that even if it is feminine to show my emotions, I’m just feminine in that way. Completely fine with me!
Aside from just starting to accept myself, I think that I am scared to fully accept who I truly am. I know who I eventually will become. What I will like, what I will want to do with my life and who I will socialize with. I think that I keep myself from loving myself because when I completely love myself, society won’t love who I am. I know people will say well you can’t go by what society wants but in the world we live in we are completely intertwined with society. This conflict of loving myself and being loved by society is causing so much frustration in myself right now. Being unique and different is a curse and a blessing at the same time. Some of my friends who’s personalities are close to the norm have it so easy. By accepting there selves they don’t have to accept much because society accepts them as well. I on the other hand am extremely different.
Lastly, the saying you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else is so true! I have pretty much been single my entire life. Not because no one has liked me but because I have ran everyone off. I’ve always wondered why I never really was too interested in dating but it’s because I’m just barely starting to love myself. I have soooo much passion and love in my heart to share with someone but it will remain locked up inside myself until I completely come to terms with loving myself. And truthfully, I’m scared. Im scared of what myself really is. How can I truly give love to someone else while I’m still discovering myself as a person.
I’m just so confused as a person. but I think eventually I’ll figure it out. I mean I can’t be lost forever can I?
